been ages since I was here ^^ customary post just in case my blog is taken away instead if I don't post.
Feel like broken, shattered pieces all scattered over the place.
Can't tell up and down and if I'm okay.
Can't decide to be scathing and to keep silent;
To be angry or to be depressed.
Just wanting to sit somewhere it only rings of my voice and noone else.
I'm tired. Can I cry? =(
I'm tired of going on alone, but I haven't found someone to walk with me.
Or rather I did but I keep losing them.
It runs through my blood, like something I can't get rid of.
Every time I'm near it, I feel like life's been injected back in me.
As if every other time before it, was never this bright or alive.
This thing I've breathed in...
It fills the spaces in between...
And then so much more.
As much as it may scare me sometimes;
I realize there's no escaping it.
Lest you tell me how does one escape,
From the Heavens he has tasted.
It's a drug, an addiction,
And a desperation of the soul.
It runs through my blood.
And I cannot give it up.
For giving up is a lie...
And a depressing life of extinguished hope and light.
So let it be.. Let it be...
As cursed as it seems we may be.
I see them shining in your eyes too,
And I don't feel so alone.
You would never understand it, if you've never tasted it. Like something you only KNOW about, but never truly felt to the core of your being.
If you read about a singer's determination, or a writer's struggle to get those words published... Then maybe you'd know about the drug we all share.
That one thing we cannot give up or deny its existence of, that sheer feeling in you you can't really tell if it's a desperation or hope. It kills you as much as it breathes life in you. And you can only move on holding on to it.
This sheer determination, it leaves no room for much else.
Sometimes this level of understanding and connection we have between us scares me.
It scares me so... and I think it's because it reminds me that it's all real. That all that we went through, through every little, big, deep, light cut and scar left behind, they weren't just in my head.
And even when we step away from it and this extends to something else, it still strikes me how we can each understand this feeling still, even whilst living our own lives and issues.
Life... doesn't feel so fair lately. Nor do I feel so settled these days.
Life... for me. Feels like an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach.
This thing of mine, it annoys me to no end.
And you wonder why I MIA.
This is why.
I can't stand it...
With it being a multitude of things.
I cannot really see my future, but it isn't all dark anymore.
It feels a lot more free and there's light ahead despite the clouds.
I do not know to what end I'm heading to, but at least my steps don't feel heavy or of despair and nothingness anymore.
Free because I finally let them all go, these things that were like weights on chains I was too afraid to let go of.
Remembering how I cried for a way to be able to just drop them all.
Afraid of what I may lose if I did.
In the end they fell.
And I'm not sure if I really "lost" anything, or I've just started to breathe.
P.S. I'm still a little afraid though, if the control tries to slip in.
Gone are the days where I would get all depressed and mad and trapped in a tiny hole. Feeling like walls were closing in and there's no space to breathe, let alone scream.
Gone are the days you could dictate everything I could, should do. Gone are the days I had no way out.
Even if I had to suffer, even if I had to struggle and fight until the end, this time I know so very well I'm NEVER giving in. I can't. To give in would be the same as killing my own life. Yes, MY life. You know what, noone owns it but God.
How else do you want me to lay it out for? Blatant, blunt, rude, tactless. Or should this be titled "honesty"?
How much should I take as "mutual understanding", words need not be said, or just when are they actually NOT.
Do I spell it out. Every single thing. Like it or not, the past can't be change. What you've chosen IS. DONE. Stop regretting, and stop taking it out on others. Do you not know just how much I already carry? So do I lay it out for you, all the things I would love to put "blame" on you, despite knowing full well nothing could be changed anyway.
I'm just... Done. Really. Done with living as though I breathe for someone else, done feeling like my life owes someone else, done doing something for others and merely feeling happy when others are. That isn't it.
I'm just so far gone everything's filtered out, blocked, immune so it couldn't lodge in my heart and sidetrack me again. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I WANT. What I want, what my heart yearns for, what I hope for, what I LOVE, only God knows and only He will guide me.
This time I'm willing to suffer my way through because I've found what I want. I cannot live otherwise. I TRIED. GOD KNOWS I'VE TRIED ALL MY LIFE. ALL.
If this makes me happy and alive, then so be it. I'm sick of trying to explain where I'm coming from. I rather let you be.
I could cry myself an ocean and I know it wouldn't help much save to let a little of what's still bottled up out.
It's true everything has taken a toll on me, and it's a very obvious fact that I've almost cut off all strings. Everything that has been familiar once, everything I had placed my feet on and my foundation, poof! Gone like that. Safety nets and hopes, gone.
It wasn't an overnight thing, some could say it was a long time coming. Didn't help the heartache or pain one bit, didn't help keep the numbness and sure indifference away. Didn't help block the walls from rising and the goodbyes. The shutting of oneself up inside, of building something so deaf to the outside world.
People sometimes wish to start over, square one, a brand new slate.
What's left when everything's been dusted and erased but it isn't a fresh white start, coz time never makes anything as before. It's just a different start.
Pressing the restart, rebuilding everything from nothing. It isn't easy, but it's the only way I know forward.
If it's someone like him who can lend me strength, someone like him who can make me care honestly and genuinely again, to risk heartache for a moment's happiness, then so be it.
Stop trying to wish things upon me or point out "correct" paths I should be taking. God knows better than you how much I've thought everything out, and how many times everything's been passed through, regurgitated and reprocessed over and over.
Let me get through this one pain my way at least, because this one is one with strength in it for me.
I imagined it this way; if someday in future someone were to mention I looked happier these days, or better, then I'll answer that my heart's with the children but yeah, my life's out there.
And they do have my heart. =) My life and ambition, the thing that drives me lies elsewhere, the things that make it possible for me to feel "alive" and purposeful for myself, lies elsewhere. But my heart... The place I can always come to safely, that never fails to make me feel that more whole and at peace, the one that can make me smile, I've found it 4 years ago and it hasn't changed since then.
Back then it was my refuge from the madness that was my other life, today it isn't very different. I seek shelter here, but this time to also fulfill a part of my dream.
I thought this time around it would be different, and it is. And yet, some things rarely change. When I first started back here again, I told myself I'll be better this time because I'll keep my distance. But it's so hard for someone like me to do anything without any heart.
It was easier with a bit of distance, but before I did let it be, someone did manage to get inside without me realizing. It was a mere moment of chance, and that afternoon I will forever remember. Exactly like the first time Evan slipped his hand into mine out of nowhere, and the day Andrew came up to me with his toy. (Though I'll always heartache at the final thing Andrew ever told/asked of me, "hold my hand")
This time, I won't let him go so easily. =) I've a source of smiles now, and someone i really do care for. I was afraid yes, why not let it go quickly? Much easier than the long-term plan. But in the end, I couldn't. Not when I knew I would be lying to myself saying ah... he'll forget me, he doesn't really mean it, it'll pass too soon and then he won't want to see you anymore.
These days... The one thing that irks me the most is the "not trying" and the plain dishonesty and skittling around I seem to feel from around me. So I will. I'll hold on, and I'll try. Even if it fails, then it'll just be one heartache at a time.
Better a heartache after you've tried, than a heartache of regrets.
The crash hasn't hit me yet, or rather I'm keeping it at bay. At moments I'll remember fleeting memories that start it, then I'll block it out. It's easier now that I'm still returning for childcare and camp. Soon... I know I'll walk out the doors and not return anytime soon.
One thing I know is, today, I bid farewell and walk out with a smile. I know I've done well, I've done what I can. I've made many mistakes, faced a couple of pitfalls, feel like a burden to my seniors >< (my pregnant colleague is helping me push shelves T-T). To have someone who was the biggest/most vocal skeptic of you in the beginning now being warm towards you and thanking you is the best thing in the world. Feeling more like yourself and gaining the trust from others. Having your children love you anyway despite you yelling at them and lecturing non-stop....
Children... Will always remain the most open, innocent, honest to me. <3